This utterance has literally haunted me for the last, oh i don’t know, twenty something years.
I haven’t told many people because I was honestly so ashamed that someone pointed something like at me, like it was all my fault. And what if worst of all it was true…?
In my early twenties, I had a job at a coffee stand. I always took pride in my work but, listen, perhaps my personality is such that I wasn’t brought up to always be agreeable and had my own opinions on things. We can’t all behave like Disney princesses afterall.
At any rate, I guess I said something or did something, or didn’t do or say what I was supposed to and the owner of the stand blurted out that “You’d be pretty if you weren’t such a bitch!” In front of my co-workers, in front of a line of customers. I don’t exactly remember what I did to deserve a scalding. I shrank in fear, started to cry. Cried like I meant it.
I needed the job, the money, but I quit on the spot because I knew I couldn’t keep working with someone who talked that way to people. I wish I was mature enough to calmly tell him that before I left.
To join feminist ranks seems extreme to me but I have indeed seen how much such movements help protect women and even minorities in the work place. Or at least give us a way to talk about things that maybe we’ve hidden or compartmentalized away in our minds because frankly, no one actually seemed to gave a damn before.
Thing is, I acted like a bit of a know-it-all because I had to. I was likely dealing with some trauma because most of us are. Acting like I knew what I was doing was my way of protecting myself. I wasn’t a bad kid, my motives were not evil. Yet this type of treatment only further threatened my mental state, how unfortunate that others can have a power and beat down the soul.
While I technically never needed the permission to discuss the incident, (there were others too), I waited until permission was granted. Waited until now. It is somewhat unfortunate I realize, but at least change is impacting us and I do feel better if others can benefit even in a marginal way knowing they are not alone and knowing they don’t have to nurture the ugly.
Shift to a broader discussion does give me some relief.
